Awko Taco

I have feels…

Tumblr. I have lots of feels right now.

I feel sad. I feel neglected. I feel unwanted. I feel like a screw up and a fuck up and all sorts of other bad feels that I don’t want to have but that I can’t help having. I am writing this here because it’s the only outlet I have where people won’t ask me what’s wrong. If I wrote this on twitter or facebook I’d have to actually talk to people about what’s wrong. but i don’t have to do that with you tumblr, because no one actually reads this stuff anyways.

My boyfriend has to submit a portfolio to a university so that he can get in to the specific program. He has been spending all his time on that, and even cancelled plans we have already made, to work on it. I have been home three weeks, and I have only seen him about four times. The last time I saw him, I had to ask him multiple times to be affectionate to me. I just wanted him to put his arm around me because I was cold. I shouldn’t have to ask for that…. At least, someone deserving shouldn’t have to. I guess I’m not.

I have been upset with him because he says all these things like “I hate neglecting you. I hate not being able to spend time with you.” But then he keeps not spending time with me, he keeps neglecting me. He is completely okay with not talking to me for hours, not seeing me for days… It’s been a week since I last saw him, and since then, we have fought every night.

He sees it as me being unsupportive of his need to finish his portfolio to get into university. When I was going to do an audition for my university, I still made a huge effort to see him every day, to spend time with him, and I still managed to dedicate all my time to practicing for my audition as well. The week leading up to my audition was the week that I said “I need space to do this.” And he took it badly and the night before my audition he accused me of being selfish and all this other stuff. In December of this year, he called me clingy and over attached. I don’t know how someone can be over attached when you’re in a long distance relationship, but okay. He asked for a week to just deal with everything he had going on. I gave it to him. He gave one to me, it’s only fair. But he decided to use that week ineffectively. Now he is in a rush to finish everything because he procrastinated too long and is now rushing to finish his portfolio (which he knew about in november) now. Because of this, he hasn’t been able to see me, and since I have been home from school I haven’t even felt like he really wanted to see me all that much. When I bring this up to him he says I am a manipulative bitch and calls me all sorts of names and just generally makes me feel really awful about myself. We have been having a huge fight the last three days about how he doesn’t want to spend time with me, and he says it’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s that he can’t. And to me that seems like complete bull shit. He could make time for me, but he just doesn’t feel like it. And I think he is using his portfolio as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to not have to spend time with me. Like “Hey you want to hang out today?” “No I can’t I have to do my portfolio.” “Oh okay, well what about this day?” “Yeah sure.” That day rolls around. “No sorry I haven’t finished my portfolio yet.” It’s his justification for not seeing me. like, in his head, it’s okay that he has to blow me off, because he has to do his portfolio… To me that doesn’t seem okay. I just feel that in a relationship of two years, I should be more important than I am to him.

In general I just feel kind of unnapreciated by him. So then when he tries to make plans I say, is your portfolio done? Should you be doing your portfolio instead, etc etc. But then he gets all mad at me because I “fight tooth and nail for affection when he doesn’t give it, but when he does I brush him off.” Except if I ask to see him that’s me being unsupportive. So I just can’t win. Ever. And I know he feels the same way, because I can be wishy washy with the way i feel day to day, but still. it doesn’t give him a reason to treat me this way.

It has been going on for months. I keep giving him chances to prove me wrong about the fact that I think he doesn’t want to spend time with me. But every time, he proves me right. Gradually wearing down my trust until now I can’t even believe him when he says I Love you. I don’t want his affection any more because I feel it’s not real, it’s just to get me off his case for a night. Then he gets mad at me because I don’t trust him. But I keep giving him chances to prove to me that I should, and he doesn’t prove anything. He ends up giving me more reasons to believe the opposite. And he keeps saying I never give him any chances, and how I am so mean to him and verbally abusive, when he calls me a manipulative, selfish bitch on a weekly basis, and tells me to shut up whenever I try defending myself. I just don’t understand.

And it’s all his fucking portfolio’s fault. He keeps saying he’s brushing me off now so that he can spend time with me later without feeling guilty about having to do other things. But then he goes and tells me he can’t get anything done because he feels guilty about brushing me off. that it’s my fault he isn’t accomplishing anything. I just feel like I’m being tossed around and I don’t have anything to grab on to. Like I am on top of one of those parachutes that kids play with, and they are flinging it around purposely to make me lose my balance and fall over. Stop it kids. This sucks.

I have brought up to him a few times that our relationship (obviously) isn’t working, but he just says “Once my portfolio is done I can make it up to you.” I have just given him so many chances to make it up to me already… I just don’t know what to do. I just love him so much, but it doesn’t feel like love anymore. Where I used to feel love, i just feel this big ball of distrust and uncertainty. I don’t like that….

I had an epiphany while I was in the shower today, that since we have been in this relationship, he has been the only thing that’s made me happy. I don’t have anything that makes me happy when he is being like this, and making me unhappy. I told him I needed some space, because I need to find something that’s not him to make me happy. Because I deserve to be happy… don’t I? He has his recording and his guitar and the working on his portfolio to make him happy, because he really truly does enjoy that. I don’t have anything to occupy my mind and cheer me up without him. And that isn’t healthy at all…

I just don’t know what to do tumblr. But you won’t give me advice anyways.

I just have a lot of feels, and I want them to go away.

4 weeks ago

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